the swim back

I know that psychologists, behavoirists, and the like can tell us the decision-making process that occurs in the brain. I'm sure there's a sequence of steps that can be clearly delineated; put into some clean flow chart with little squares and diamonds of if-then scenarios. We weigh how a decision will affect us, what are its relative merits, the negative consequences of an action, or even no action at all.

But what about the decisions that seem to make no sense? What if it's a spontaneous choice and the consequences are thrown to the wind? Or what if, dare i say, it is a decision or choice that is made purely on faith?

My faith, my relationship with God, is (unfortunately) cyclical. I go through periods of "BFF" with my homie Jesus - these are the crests. King of the world! Ten feet tall and bulletproof. And then come the times where I don't feel any kind of closeness - these are the troughs. Eliot's pair of ragged claws scuttling across the floors of silent seas. My faith is the good ship Lollipop thrown where the winds of chance would have me. Somehow I really don't think that's what He was looking for when He was nailed to a criminal's cross for me.

So, really what's my problem then? What's corrupt in my decision making process to make a determined and final choice to follow Christ, to live His commandments, and obey His Word?

There's a point in the futuristic movie Gattaca where two brothers are competing by seeing who can swim out on a lake the farthest. They did this many times as children and Anton (the gentically superior brother) always won. In their 20-somethings they repeat their childish test of manhood. This time, however, Vincent (the genetically inferior, sickly brother) is able to, not only keep up with his brother, but surpass him. When finally Anton asks how Vincent is "doing this?" Vincent replies, "You wanna know how I did it? This is how I did it, Anton... I never saved anything for the swim back."


(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hZKZSiCmXLQ)

Vincent was able to acheive something his own brother could not even conceive, committing himself in a way that his brother never could. So, here's the question to consider, that I ask myself time and again... what do I hold back from God?

I'd like to say nothing. I hold nothing back from God. I'm Vincent. I'm in the water. I'm with you Jesus. Yo! We're doing freestyle, breaststroke, heck even butterfly, all continuing in the same direction, Lord. Look at me, everyone! I am so holy!

But in my heart, I am not Vincent. As much as I may want to be, and want the world to think I am. I am the "superior" brother... I am Anton. I hold something back from my committment, from my willingness to not only get in the water and swim, but to continue down a course I am wholly committed to, where there's no turning back. What do you hold back? Which are you... Anton or are you Vincent? In your heart, you know the answer.

Here's the kicker. So does He. He knows how far you're willing to go. And I've got to think it saddens the heart of God to see so many of us in the water, swimming right along, not ever living the life of Vincent, always storing just enough energy to turn from the path, to turn away from Him. And despite all that negativity, that lack of committment, He still loves.

in the quiet moments that i have with just myself and God...


i want to be Vincent.